In my last article I touched on the
fear of rejection one faces in a relationship, especially when they are living
their life in a way that they think others want them to live it, instead of how
they want to live it. I mentioned living
life behind a facade that everyone can see, while the person you really are
remains hidden behind that facade.
However, there is another fear one
sometimes faces in a relationship, and that is the fear of losing themselves to
their partner. The fear of becoming a
doormat, so to speak. That can be one of
the biggest fears facing anyone who is trying to heed what seems to be the
outdated rule, the man is the head of the home and family.
I’ve recommended
several books that cover the subject of women respecting their spouse or
partner. None of those books makes it
sound like an easy accomplishment, because it isn’t.
One of the biggest reasons we
resist is because we do not want to lose ourselves completely to another
person. Too often we see the negative
examples of unbalanced relationships where a dominating husband treats his wife
as someone less than they are, or even worse abuses them, whether emotionally
or physically.
It’s a sad reality that this does
happen. So, while I’m saying, “Yes,” to
giving your husband or partner respect, even when you think he doesn’t deserve
it, I’m also saying an emphatic, “No,” to any kind of abuse whether emotional
or physical. I’ve been there, and it can
destroy a women whether it’s from the outside in or the inside out. To those situations I say, “Get out and get
help.”
When facing the fear of putting
your total trust in a partner, it may also seem like also giving a husband a
huge amount of power over you. I see it
as also empowering yourself. It takes
great strength to do this. In many ways,
it opens you up to great vulnerability.
– It also opens you up to great
love.
It does work. In previous articles I’ve mentioned books
like Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches, For Women Only
by Shaunti Feldhahn, and If You Don’t Die to Self I May Have to Kill You, by
Karen Long. These books all have the
common thread of women respecting their husband or partner, and men loving
their wife or partner. However,
Feldhahn’s book has a partner book written with her husband, For Men Only,
which also shares a wealth of information men might think they know about
women, but probably don’t.
As I said, this respecting your husband
thing doesn’t come easy. At least it
hasn’t been for me. I have put up many
roadblocks. Probably the same thing many
of you are saying, if I give him respect he’ll only start treating me like a
doormat. So, I’ve tried it in little
bits and pieces, and when I fail miserably by getting impatient, letting my
tongue rip into my husband for whatever reason, I have caught myself more
quickly, and had to humble myself – another thing that doesn’t come easily – by
telling him I was wrong.
I’ve found there is another side to
all this. While I have been getting
better and better at respecting my husband, I have not stopped communicating
exactly how I’m feeling. However, instead
of telling my husband how wrong he is, I have instead started asking him to
really listen as I explain how I feel about something. Quite often it works, though I admit,
sometimes I have to explain it several times before he understands exactly what
I am saying.
Because I stopped fighting for my
way, and simply stated how I feel, in a non-threatening way, things are
changing in our life. My respected for
him to make good decision, is paying off in our life. Occasionally I don’t get what I want, but
it’s okay. The end result is that our
lives have more balance. And I don’t feel
the least bit walked on or put out.
Don’t get me wrong; we still have a
long way to go. I still catch myself
giving subtle disapproval of my husband by rolling my eyes, or making
unnecessary remarks; but I’m doing it less and less often. At the same time, I believe he is showing me
more love in return, in that he takes the time to listen when I talk, and he
honors me by wanting my input into nearly every decision we make, without my
having to push my opinion on him.
These are tiny steps as our relationship
grows, but they are steps taken together, not one or the other of us stepping
on the other to make the decision we want.
I believe things will only get better as we continue along this path. And I believe it will work for any of you who
are courageous enough to give it a try.
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