Abusive Relationships May Start Younger Than You Think

A letter I received from one of my readers has stuck with me for a long time.  The young woman was only in her teens, yet she was having some serious difficulties with her boyfriend.  The young man was being manipulative and abusive.  I offered what little advice I could, then prayed she would be okay, because she admitted she was afraid for her life.

The last I heard she was doing fine.  I won’t take credit for that.  I was concerned almost from the moment I read her first message, that I was not qualified to offer her any advice.  I can empathize, but I have quickly learned empathy may not be enough. 

Still, it bothered me enough that I have since begun to form relationships with professionals who can help guide me if the same sort of situation should come up again.   Because without the right direction, some of these are problems can end tragically, or impact on a woman’s life for many years.

An example of this is a young woman in her early twenties, I will call Kate.  Kate was only fourteen when she met her abusive boyfriend.  She admits she had no idea there was anything wrong in their relationship.

“At the time, I believed that our relationship was normal,” admits Kate.

Her boyfriend seemed to have a potpourri of abuse, which is not unusual.  He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive.

Without details, Kate explained that he would hit, slap, push and shove her round.  His verbal abuse ranged from swearing at her, to making distasteful sexual references.  And while she states his emotional abuse was in the form of withholding affection when angry, she still suffers the results of it.

“I could only admit it to myself that something was wrong,” Kate explained.  “I only admitted it to someone else years after it was over.”

Sadly, her relationship only ended when he moved away.  I say sadly, not because it wasn’t her good fortune to have it end; rather because she still lives with the fact that she might have continued to take such treatment had he not been the one to end it.

“I still suffer from the emotional torment, as well as the psychological affects, and physical scars,” Kate admits.  “Even after nine years.”

Because I personally know Kate, I can say it has indeed affected her self-esteem and both her mental and physical health.  She is a delightful young women with so much potential, but unfortunately, she struggles daily to overcome many obstacles.  Many caused by someone she loved and thought loved her.

It’s probably easy for many of you to understand and imagine this happening.  There is a good chance it is happening to some of you right now.  If that is the case, I hope you will not remain silent like Kate did. 

Instead, speak out as my reader did.  Get help from a professional, and that may even mean law enforcement if you feel you may be in danger if you try to end an abusive relationship.  There are also many counseling services available to you.  Look in the phone book, or look on the web.  If you can’t find someplace local or where you feel comfortable, contact me.  As I said, I’ve begun forming a relationship with a counseling group, and the most valuable thing I may be able to do for you is give you information on how to contact them.

But first, please try talking to a teacher, pastor, friend or family member.  Find a support group.  And get out of that relationship.  You deserve better.  Just like Kate now knows she deserved better.  And my other reader realized she, too, deserved better. 

As I once realized, I deserved better.  Yes, my friends, it happened to me too.  But this is not about me.  I’ve carried my scars inside me, and it has taken a very long time for me to overcome most of them.  But this isn’t about me.   It’s about any of you out there who are still in abusive relationships.  Get out and get help.  Your future depends on it.

NOTE: I am concerned about abuse of any kind at any age, and have joined one of the strongest campaigns against it. It is called, "No More," and you can learn more here.

Is Face to Face Conversation a Lost Art?

People everywhere seem to be instant messaging, or sending photos with their cell phones.  Hey, a picture’s worth a thousand words they say.  Then there is e-mail.  I’m as guilty as the next of using the e-mail rather than the phone.  However, I have friends and family who don’t do e-mail.  I’m left with little choice but to pick up the phone.

Then again, maybe there is some value to talking face to face.  Since my father passed away I’ve spent much more time with my mother.  Some time just talking.  In fact, we talk more now than we ever did.

I have found out my mother is quite chatty.  My son noticed the same thing.  And it has been a really great experience.  Oh, the things we talk about!

Okay, we talk about simple stuff, like how her apartment hunting is going.  About whether we’ve found a real estate agent for our house.  – We are planning on buying her’s.

We also talk about the kids and grandkids.  Mine.  – They are obviously her grandkids and great-grandkids. –   It’s funny how we used to disagree on so many things, like how children should be raised.  These days we have a lot more opinions in common.

Then there are the memories that are sparked by our conversation.  Things we hadn’t thought about in years.  That, too, is funny, because we seem to have our own different versions of some things we remember.  On the other hand, we’re often pleasantly surprised by some of the memories that are being sparked.

When I talk to my mother face to face, I see the young woman in the wedding photo I have in my living room.  I’ve suddenly come to realize just how young she was, and find myself asking her all kinds of questions.  Like how she felt becoming a mother for the first, and only time.  And she surprises me by answering that it was a frightening experience.  – Wow!  And I thought she had been a master at the art from the last contraction through my puberty.  – That’s pretty much when I had decided she didn’t know anything.

Oh, yes, and we talk about those things too.  My troublesome years, and how she managed to survived them.  It had to be some Godly intervention.  Funny, how I thought she didn’t understand me, yet from the things she says now, she actually understood much of what I was going through.  She says she wouldn’t have been doing her job as a mother if she’d approved of everything I did.  But she did understand.

I recently even admitted to my mother that I only thought I knew everything back then, and that it’s taken me quite a few years to realize just how little I had known.  She simply smiles and nods her head with understanding.

My mother and I have shared some happy and some sad memories.  We have shared a lot of laughs and a lot of tears.  Most of all we have found a common ground: We enjoy each other’s company.  And we might not have realized just how much we do if we had sent e-mails or talked on the phone.

Face to face conversation may be a lost art for some; but, for Mom and me it’s the masterpiece found in the attic.  It wasn’t lost, just misplaced, and appreciated all the more now that it has been found again.

For any of you out there reading this, I suggest you try it.  It doesn’t have to only be with a parent, it can be a spouse, a child or a friend.  Someone you haven’t spoken to in a while.  Take some time and you might be surprised just how rewarding it can be.

More blogs by me:

Living with Health Problems 

Reflections of Pam 

Pam's Writing Basics 

Stand Up For Your Life – Book Review

This book by the author of “Take Time for Your Life” and “Life Makeover” may not have the exclusive rights to books about self-improvement; but she certainly is one of the leaders.  The cover of this Cheryl Richardson book suggests that by reading this book you will, “Develop The Courage, Confidence, And Character To Fulfill Your Greatest Potential.”

All I can say is that Richardson follows through on that promise.  On the 241 pages of this book you will not only find excellent advice on such things as defining your values, but also many tips on how you can live up to those values.

Many of us have been raised in a way where we were taught certain rules, in particular about modesty; and I’m not talking only the how you dress kind.  I’m talking about the “Don’t brag about yourself, it shows conceit”, or maybe even “Don’t talk about yourself so much.  You’re self-centered.”  Well, while this may be true in some cases, that way of thinking has also prevented us from showing just how much we really can do, the kind of person we really are.

This book shows you how to do that and much more.  Using actual situations Richardson draws a picture of what not to do in your life, and describes ways you can “Stand up for yourself.”

Do you think your life is already good?  Well, this books shows you how to make it even better. 

There is a saying by Freidrich Nietzche, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”  Well, Richardson shows you how to grow stronger without it even coming close to killing you.

Richardson also provides you with a list of valuable resources, books and web sites.  I doubt after reading her book you will be exactly the same as you were when you first opened it.  Of course, that is assuming you do heed at least some of her advice.

After reading this book, I went out and ordered “Take Time for Your Life,” and “Life Makeovers”.  I’ll be reporting back to you later about what I think of these two Richardson books.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with my own quote: “Reading provides riches beyond measure.”

Here are the links Cheryl Richardson books:

Stand Up For Your Life

Take Time for Your Life 

Live Makeovers  

You can also find my novels here.