A Life Preserver when Drowning in a Relationship

In my last article I touched on the fear of rejection one faces in a relationship, especially when they are living their life in a way that they think others want them to live it, instead of how they want to live it.  I mentioned living life behind a facade that everyone can see, while the person you really are remains hidden behind that facade.

However, there is another fear one sometimes faces in a relationship, and that is the fear of losing themselves to their partner.  The fear of becoming a doormat, so to speak.  That can be one of the biggest fears facing anyone who is trying to heed what seems to be the outdated rule, the man is the head of the home and family.

I’ve recommended several books that cover the subject of women respecting their spouse or partner.  None of those books makes it sound like an easy accomplishment, because it isn’t.

One of the biggest reasons we resist is because we do not want to lose ourselves completely to another person.  Too often we see the negative examples of unbalanced relationships where a dominating husband treats his wife as someone less than they are, or even worse abuses them, whether emotionally or physically.

It’s a sad reality that this does happen.  So, while I’m saying, “Yes,” to giving your husband or partner respect, even when you think he doesn’t deserve it, I’m also saying an emphatic, “No,” to any kind of abuse whether emotional or physical.  I’ve been there, and it can destroy a women whether it’s from the outside in or the inside out.  To those situations I say, “Get out and get help.”

When facing the fear of putting your total trust in a partner, it may also seem like also giving a husband a huge amount of power over you.  I see it as also empowering yourself.  It takes great strength to do this.  In many ways, it opens you up to great vulnerability.  –  It also opens you up to great love.

It does work.  In previous articles I’ve mentioned books like Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, and If You Don’t Die to Self I May Have to Kill You, by Karen Long.  These books all have the common thread of women respecting their husband or partner, and men loving their wife or partner.  However, Feldhahn’s book has a partner book written with her husband, For Men Only, which also shares a wealth of information men might think they know about women, but probably don’t.

As I said, this respecting your husband thing doesn’t come easy.  At least it hasn’t been for me.  I have put up many roadblocks.  Probably the same thing many of you are saying, if I give him respect he’ll only start treating me like a doormat.  So, I’ve tried it in little bits and pieces, and when I fail miserably by getting impatient, letting my tongue rip into my husband for whatever reason, I have caught myself more quickly, and had to humble myself – another thing that doesn’t come easily – by telling him I was wrong.

I’ve found there is another side to all this.  While I have been getting better and better at respecting my husband, I have not stopped communicating exactly how I’m feeling.  However, instead of telling my husband how wrong he is, I have instead started asking him to really listen as I explain how I feel about something.  Quite often it works, though I admit, sometimes I have to explain it several times before he understands exactly what I am saying.

Because I stopped fighting for my way, and simply stated how I feel, in a non-threatening way, things are changing in our life.  My respected for him to make good decision, is paying off in our life.  Occasionally I don’t get what I want, but it’s okay.  The end result is that our lives have more balance.  And I don’t feel the least bit walked on or put out.

Don’t get me wrong; we still have a long way to go.  I still catch myself giving subtle disapproval of my husband by rolling my eyes, or making unnecessary remarks; but I’m doing it less and less often.  At the same time, I believe he is showing me more love in return, in that he takes the time to listen when I talk, and he honors me by wanting my input into nearly every decision we make, without my having to push my opinion on him.

These are tiny steps as our relationship grows, but they are steps taken together, not one or the other of us stepping on the other to make the decision we want.  I believe things will only get better as we continue along this path.  And I believe it will work for any of you who are courageous enough to give it a try.

 

 

 

 

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How to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship

I’ve thought a lot about this subject, especially as I’ve been reading some books I’ve hoped would provide some valuable information for the articles I write.  Three books are coming to mind instantly, and I will note them as I write.

I believe I am not alone when I say insecurity in a relationship is based on fear.  Often fear of rejection.  However, sometimes it can be fear of losing yourself in a relationship.  Both are very real fears women face every day.  Overcoming them can be difficult.

In this article and the next, I will be looking at these two fears.  I hope what I share will be helpful to any of you who may be struggling with your own insecurities.

I, personally, spent far too many years living with insecurity in relationships.  My insecurity was based on the fear that once the many in my life knew the real me, that person hiding inside me, they would no longer want me.  It sounds crazy when I think about it now, but I know that many women feel this way.  They live their life like an actress playing a part, following a script they have created for themselves based on the expectations, real or imagined, of the man they love.

Some women, myself included, had a lot of experience doing this.  Many had been trying to fit a mold ever since childhood, first striving to be what they thought their parents wanted them to be, and later as their world grew, what friends and eventually a husband or partner wanted them to be.  While this certainly isn’t a bad thing during our first years of life, if we are never permitted to evolve without binds, we might find ourselves living a false life.

I used to liken myself to the Tazmanian Devil, of Looney Tune fame, inside a cage, wrapped up in pretty paper.  As long as you keep it wrapped everything looks just perfect, but inside there is this being just waiting for the opportunity to escape.  And when they do, it often isn’t a pretty picture.

This is often why you see so many teens going wild during their first year of college.  Sometimes it is the first time their Taz has been left out of his cage.

In her book, Stand Up For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson starts with a chapter asking “Who do you think you are?”  As she started she told of a woman who had wanted to be an actress, but feared ridicule from her family if she pursued that dream.  Richardson also shared her own experience when she first decided to write a book.

What she describes can pretty much be summed up in how you phrase the above question, putting accent on the second “you”, or the first.   Everyone has hear the put-down, “Who do you think you are?”  However, the question that really matters is, “Who do you think you are?”  Do you get the difference?

I’m almost finished reading another book written by Arianna Huffington, titled On Becoming Fearless in Love, Work and Life.  Huffington went from being the daughter of a poor Greek, single mother, to being named by Time magazine as one of the most influential people in the world in 1996. 

One might wonder how someone can achieve so much in a lifetime, that I might add, is far from over (she’s only one year older than I am)?  In her book Huffington often attributes much of her own success to having a mother who not only set the example, but supported her children’s pursuits in life.  She was raised to believe she could do anything.

Huffington does not only share her own experiences in the various aspects of fearlessness, but also those of others, such as writer Nora Ephron, actress Diane Keaton and producer Marcy Carsey, just to name a few.  In fact, each chapter of the book opens with the words on fearlessness written by famous women who have learned from experience.

Another book I recommend, in my opinion, isn’t written as much about how to overcome fear, as how to maintain that fearlessness once you have achieved it. Live Like Your Blessed, by Dr. Suzan Johnson Cook, shares the steps to living a more fulfilling life. Using the acronym B-L-E-S-S-E-D Cook not only spells how we would like to feel, but how we can achieve it.

There is no way I could fit everything I have learned from reading these three books into an article.  Then again, I don’t have to.  The information is there.  If you are someone who is struggling with the fear of being who you really want to be, if you have an inner person just waiting to escape, albeit we do hope it’s not Taz, I hope what I’ve shared about these great reads will be helpful to you.  Because I know they have been to me.

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