A few months ago, a reader asked me to write about restoring
trust when its been broken or tested.
That is a giant topic in itself, and although there is plenty of
resource material on the subject of trust, I will be using it sparingly,
because I want to write from my heart.
You see, Ken and I have both struggled with trust. It is difficult to tell you what we have
learned without sharing our story. At
the same time, I hate boring you with the gory details of our past lives. So, for the sake of those of you who don’t
want to be bored, I’ll be brief, mentioning only a little history of our lives
and moving on to what it has taken us years to learn.
I believe trust is given very freely and instinctively by
children. Until trust is violated,
particularly by a loved one. Then a
person is suddenly thrust onto very shaking ground. There is likely a mixture of pain and fear,
varying degrees of each depending on the person and the situation. And there are likely many questions, most
starting with one word, “Why?”
As a person analyzes their situation and receives wise
counsel, they may slowly begin to unravel what occurred and begin to find the
answers they need. My first and second
suggestions both relate to the last sentence.
One, my choice of the word “analyze” was done on purpose,
because it implies a person has looked inward to find the answers to what may
have caused the situation that turned their life upside-down. Second, I chose the words “wise counsel” for
a reason; it means one has looked to others to help them find the answers to
their predicament.
Both are needed. A
person must look inward as objectively as possible, but they also must look to
someone who can be objective, because it is difficult to be objective about
something in one’s own life. This can be
a trained therapist or a trusted friend, but the key word is “objective”, they
must be able to remain supportive, yet able to view the problem without
blinders.
This is not a time to have a pep rally of supporters there
to offer assurances that you could not have been at fault, or that your role in
the situation was totally that of victim.
In fact, don’t even allow yourself to see yourself as a victim. That descriptions implies one who is helpless
to do anything. Like so many people who
have suffered tragedy, begin seeing yourself as a survivor.
In my case, I was fortunate to have friends who loved me and
were able to help me learn to change.
You see, I carried much emotional baggage as I entered my relationship
with Ken. I was struggling for my
identity, yet at the same time afraid to find it. That’s quite a contradiction, isn’t it?
I’d had failed relationships in the past. When I analyzed them I realized that when I
entered a relationship I became the person I thought my partner or friend
wanted me to be. The problem was it was
tiring, and as my facade slipped, the distance in my relationships grew, until
the gap was so wide there was no bridging it.
It got to the point I anticipated the end of a relationship
even as it started. What a way to start
a relationship, right? I was fortunate
the friends who stuck by me helped me see that the distance was caused by the
facade. And it had worked to destroy my
relationships from two directions as both myself and my partner or friend
realized the real me wasn’t anything like the one I’d tired so hard to be.
Had it not been for the honesty of those friends, I might
have had many more years of heartache, instead of the wonderful, love-filled
years I’ve shared with my husband, Ken.
Now for one of the biggest lessons, and probably one of the
most difficult. That is finding the
ability to forgive. My husband has been
the best example of someone who is able to forgive. That didn’t happen
overnight.
At first Ken had lived his life as a victim. Like a victim
he sought out people who would make him feel better, and that left him open to
be hurt some more. While one person
turned away from the prospect of being balm to his wounds, others were drawn to
it, having ulterior motives.
I like to take credit for helping Ken realize he had to stop
seeing himself as a victim so that he could stop being a victim.
The one thing Ken didn’t do, however, was hold a
grudge. Ken demonstrated a heart of
forgiveness. His example is one I have
used to help others who have felt unable to forgive.
Trust is not immediate after forgiveness. In the best situation it takes time, and if
the relationship is worth saving, it should be given time. However, in some situations, it may not even
be achievable if the infarction that caused the problem is too grievous. That is a decision each individual must make.
I hope if you are in a situation that is causing you to
struggle with trust, you have found some of the things I have shared here
helpful. Still, if you would like to
know more, I can recommend some books:
“Healing is a Choice”, by Stephen Arterburn, and “Live Like You’re
Blessed”, by Dr. Suzan Johnson Cook, in particular chapter eleven.
You can find both these books below:
