How to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship

I’ve thought a lot about this subject, especially as I’ve been reading some books I’ve hoped would provide some valuable information for the articles I write.  Three books are coming to mind instantly, and I will note them as I write.

I believe I am not alone when I say insecurity in a relationship is based on fear.  Often fear of rejection.  However, sometimes it can be fear of losing yourself in a relationship.  Both are very real fears women face every day.  Overcoming them can be difficult.

In this article and the next, I will be looking at these two fears.  I hope what I share will be helpful to any of you who may be struggling with your own insecurities.

I, personally, spent far too many years living with insecurity in relationships.  My insecurity was based on the fear that once the many in my life knew the real me, that person hiding inside me, they would no longer want me.  It sounds crazy when I think about it now, but I know that many women feel this way.  They live their life like an actress playing a part, following a script they have created for themselves based on the expectations, real or imagined, of the man they love.

Some women, myself included, had a lot of experience doing this.  Many had been trying to fit a mold ever since childhood, first striving to be what they thought their parents wanted them to be, and later as their world grew, what friends and eventually a husband or partner wanted them to be.  While this certainly isn’t a bad thing during our first years of life, if we are never permitted to evolve without binds, we might find ourselves living a false life.

I used to liken myself to the Tazmanian Devil, of Looney Tune fame, inside a cage, wrapped up in pretty paper.  As long as you keep it wrapped everything looks just perfect, but inside there is this being just waiting for the opportunity to escape.  And when they do, it often isn’t a pretty picture.

This is often why you see so many teens going wild during their first year of college.  Sometimes it is the first time their Taz has been left out of his cage.

In her book, Stand Up For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson starts with a chapter asking “Who do you think you are?”  As she started she told of a woman who had wanted to be an actress, but feared ridicule from her family if she pursued that dream.  Richardson also shared her own experience when she first decided to write a book.

What she describes can pretty much be summed up in how you phrase the above question, putting accent on the second “you”, or the first.   Everyone has hear the put-down, “Who do you think you are?”  However, the question that really matters is, “Who do you think you are?”  Do you get the difference?

I’m almost finished reading another book written by Arianna Huffington, titled On Becoming Fearless in Love, Work and Life.  Huffington went from being the daughter of a poor Greek, single mother, to being named by Time magazine as one of the most influential people in the world in 1996. 

One might wonder how someone can achieve so much in a lifetime, that I might add, is far from over (she’s only one year older than I am)?  In her book Huffington often attributes much of her own success to having a mother who not only set the example, but supported her children’s pursuits in life.  She was raised to believe she could do anything.

Huffington does not only share her own experiences in the various aspects of fearlessness, but also those of others, such as writer Nora Ephron, actress Diane Keaton and producer Marcy Carsey, just to name a few.  In fact, each chapter of the book opens with the words on fearlessness written by famous women who have learned from experience.

Another book I recommend, in my opinion, isn’t written as much about how to overcome fear, as how to maintain that fearlessness once you have achieved it. Live Like Your Blessed, by Dr. Suzan Johnson Cook, shares the steps to living a more fulfilling life. Using the acronym B-L-E-S-S-E-D Cook not only spells how we would like to feel, but how we can achieve it.

There is no way I could fit everything I have learned from reading these three books into an article.  Then again, I don’t have to.  The information is there.  If you are someone who is struggling with the fear of being who you really want to be, if you have an inner person just waiting to escape, albeit we do hope it’s not Taz, I hope what I’ve shared about these great reads will be helpful to you.  Because I know they have been to me.

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